Panic...

Before kids....panic is running 5 minutes late.

Panic is oversleeping from the alarm, not knowing what you want to order when the waiter or waitress asks, or Target not having your size.

After kids...

it is the panic that they haven't rolled over/scooted/grown a tooth/smiled/pooped today 

or slept too much or two little.

Then Finley's eyes go in two totally different directions one Monday before work.

You can't breathe.

You try to avoid Google.

You Google.

You WebMD.

It is either nothing or death.

You read enough to convince yourself that it will be okay. 

Christmas happens.

No issues.

Then one night his eyes roll back into his head and then go into two different directions.

You avoid Google.

You Google.

You WebMD.

You post in a Facebook group while you hate yourself.

You decide to call the pediatrician.

Then next day your pediatrician says "Y'all have the worse luck".

You are going to be referred to a neurologist or an ophthalmologist.

You try not to freak out. 

You sort of do.

YOU ARE PANICKED.

You don't want to be because there are people out there with REAL PROBLEMS. 

Their children won't ever walk.

You don't have the right to panic.

But you do. 

Then....you go to the referral appointment. And you try not to act like a crazy. 

Then finally...after dilation and crying and wrestling....

it is a 100% treatable problem.

And you feel like an idiot for panicking.

But it is your baby.

And I guess that is what being a mom is?

But that is a "girl" thing.....

Gender.

According to one of my brilliant students it is a sphere.

As a mom....it is freaking stressful.

I, who love all people regardless of sexual orientation (love to my LGBTQ peeps) find myself stressed out about gender roles closer to the holidays than ever.

A few years ago a mom posted about her son being gay (or not) and the internet lit on fire! 

This was the adorable image attached:

People were taking sides.

"How dare you let your son do that?!?!"

"You go girl!"

I as an idiot newly wed didn't totally understand. I would support my child.

I still feel that way.

But then....

One of my boys prefers a pink toy over a blue and people say "That is a girl color".

The Little Mermaid  or Frozen is playing and they are entranced by the princesses.

My mother in law purchases a high chair with pink flowers and birds and someone says 

"Why did you buy a girl one?!?"

I look at things on Amazon for Christmas and the toys I lean toward are a tea set, a purse and a kitchen.

And a panic clenches my stomach

"WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK".

That is my fear.

I love my boys.

They love to splash in a bird bath that a cat may (or may not have) drank out of,

they love playing in the laundry, they love pink things and they love cars. 

Why am I worried?

It is proven that people are born the way they are and are basically nurtured into an environment that teaches them to love themselves or loathe themselves.

(I am paraphrasing a HUGE debate into a sentence) 

But...apparently.... that is what I think.

So why then do I say 

"Oh, Finley is all boy"

Why don't I just say "Oh, Finley is all Finley"

 I hate those stereotypes. 

I went to women's college.

I have recently emptied and refilled and reset my water heater.

I know how to drive a fence post, work a table saw, and only shave my legs to the point where they are exposed.

I also like manicures.

Mr. Boo probably spends more time on personal grooming than I do.

Why is that girly?

Why is me liking beer, chicken wings and farting manly?

Who decided this crap?

Why is blue boy and pink girl?

Why are girls supposed to be nurses and teachers and boys pilots, cowboys and doctors?

Why isn't it okay for a man to stay home with the kids?

Why don't girls speak up in STEM classes?

Why don't boys write?

Because we scare them.

I am terrified for my boys.

I am so worried of someone crushing who they are by trying to fit them into a mold.

I have seen it in my friends.

I have seen it in my students.

I am pretty sure Jesus taught us all to love.

For me love is unconditional.

Can't we just love our brothers and sisters for who they are?

For the "content of their character"?

Not for the color of their skin or if they are "male" or "female"?

I just want my children (current and future) to grow up believing in themselves. 

Knowing I and the rest of the world love and accept them.

NO. MATTER. WHAT.

I just want them to be kind. 

And accepting of others.

And more importantly themselves.

Can't we all try to make their world better than ours?

This is all I wish.

Let it be.

Don't try to fit anyone into a box.

"My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."

John 15:12

Love each other. 

Twin Talk Blog!

Today I am featured on Twin Talk Blog talking about gifts for 1 year old Twin Boys!

Check it out!

They have gift suggestions for all twin ages, etc and it is just a great community for twin moms! 

(and all moms)

Check it out!

Twin Talk Blog!

Adventure to Santa? or a journey through Hell?

So....as parents there are thing we feel we must do. 

One of these things for me this year was to go to the mall and get Santa pictures.

Mr. Boo's school has a GREAT Santa at their annual Christmas at the Creek but you can't access the pictures digitally. This was important to me because we are a techie family. 

We are on Thanksgiving Break (praise) and were planning a trip to North Point Mall for errands and I figured "kill two birds with one stone". 

I went online to their website and found this:

"North Point Mall and Dream Works Animation take guests on a never-before-seen, magical experience with Adventure to Santa. Join Shrek and his friends as they take you on an interactive journey to find Santa at the North Pole.

ONCE YOUR JOURNEY IS COMPLETE, YOU’LL VISIT WITH SANTA AND POSE FOR A KEEPSAKE PHOTO OF YOUR UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE!

This 15-minute adventure is a must-do for the entire family and does not require waiting in line! Reserve your spot todayNorth Point Mall and Dream Works Animation take guests on a never-before-seen, magical experience with Adventure to Santa. Join Shrek and his friends as they take you on an interactive journey to find Santa at the North Pole.

ONCE YOUR JOURNEY IS COMPLETE, YOU’LL VISIT WITH SANTA AND POSE FOR A KEEPSAKE PHOTO OF YOUR UNFORGETTABLE EXPERIENCE!

This 15-minute adventure is a must-do for the entire family and does not require waiting in line! Reserve your spot today"

SOLD.

I love Shrek.

I love making reservations.

I hate waiting in line.

Well... we hit a few snags right off. 

There were no reservation times showing up online until 8:30 pm but I read/researched further (because I think I am Penelope Garcia) and saw you could get without a reservation.

We planned to arrive at the mall when it opened (Disney trips have trained us) to make sure we got in first. 

LIES.

When we got to the counter we had to make a reservation for later....1:42pm. This wasn't awful. We were running late as usual so it was 10:30. We figured we'd do all our errands first, go to lunch, drive so babies could nap and then return refreshed and ready to go at 1:42pm.

We did. We basically had a blast! We rented a stroller in the mall, went to Target, went to On the Border all with relatively few melt downs. Which is a feat. I mean look at these joyous faces in the fire truck stroller:

This nearly worked. 

Until we returned to Santa Shrek Hell Land.

This is its new name. I try not to be negative but....wow.

We got there before our reservation time. Then I had to wait in line at the RESERVATION desk to get our passport. This took what seemed like 500 million hours. Fletcher was screaming and searching for something. Meanwhile this place is right underneath a sun roof where the sun was beating down on use baking us like cookies in an oven. So we get our passport and then are directed to an area where we are supposed to take a picture with a Shrek statue. We wait. As we are about to hand our passport to the lady a family cuts us off to take their Shrek picture. We decide this is stupid and head over to the other line. We are scanned in and admitted into the line. Fletcher is still crying like he is being baked from the inside out. Finley is crawling all over everything and trying to eat the Christmas tree. 

 Finley has never met a stranger

 why are you making me sit here?

pick me up!

So that took forever.
Then we finally make it in.
Brandon said "I bet we are going to go into smaller and smaller rooms"

Truth.
We enter a room with a terrible actress and the family that cut us off earlier.
She goes through this dog and pony show about how Santa is missing!
Then Shrek and Donkey appear and say we are going to go to the North Pole to find Santa.

So first we are led into a room where we have to design a sleigh on an iPad.
That is wonderful with 15 month olds.

THEN....it gets better....
we enter a room with a SLEIGH!
Which is a virtual reality sleigh ride.
Picture a really bad IMAX.
With vibrations
and water squirting on you.
Fletcher was TERRIFIED.
Finley thought it was great.

Then we go into a room with 6 iPads and four families.
You get to play a snowball throwing game while you wait to FINALLY FINALLY see Santa.
This is difficult with toddlers. Especially a toddler who loves pretty girls and touching them.
Sorry ladies, Finley means well.

Fletcher was basically a burnt cookie by this point.

So they call our name!
We see Santa.
Fletcher is a sweaty sad mess.
Finley is okay. A little out of it.

I actually love all the pictures.


But getting the pictures was another nightmare.
We finally make it out of that dang place and they tell us the dreaded
"It will be a few minutes".
We stood around forever waiting for someone to tell us our pictures were ready.
This never happened.
I had to be pushy (I hate being pushy). And we got our prints and our digital download code and then got the HELL OUT OF DODGE.

With some great pictures....and some not so great memories.

But we'll never get this time back- right?!?

In short- don't believe everything you read....especially this:

This 15-minute adventure is a must-do for the entire family and does not require waiting in line! 

because basically.....multiple lines and waiting are worse than one line.

One of our many  rookie mistakes of parenting.

"The First Six Months Are The Hardest"

You get a ton of unsolicited advice when you are pregnant. 

Especially when it is twins...twin mamas and people who are connected with twins come out of the woodwork to help you.

The one piece of advice I clung desperately to was

"The first six months are the hardest" 

or the variation....

"If you can survive the first six months..."

Well.....

I thought I had made it through the wilderness so to speak. 

The first year was difficult but not as hard as I thought it would be.

Basically feeling like super mom.

And then 15 months hit.

Like a tornado.

A big, crying, tantrum throwing, WALKING (only one of them), talking, biting, yelling, kissing, waving tornado. 

This is all in the midst of an insanely busy month of work.

One act, a big ole musical 

and then one act again. 

Plus Mr. Boo is in a musical himself so our family dinners sound more like production meetings or calendar meetings. 

But I digress....

 the first six months were basically a walk in the park.

Sure, for the first three months we were waking up every three hours and feeding them but we were also on maternity leave for 8 of those weeks. 

A BREEZE.

Sometimes I just want to sleep forever and never wash another load of laundry or teach another class. Just nap forever. 

Or run away to Neverland.

Sometimes the Mom Guilt is so overwhelming I don't know what to do
(more on this later).
Sometimes when people say "I don't know how you do it" I want to burst into tears and say 

"I don't either".

Sometimes it feels like I am being held together by old fishing line. 

But then....

I see Finley walk to communion for the first time guided only by his daddy (not holding his hand).

I see Fletcher cover his eyes with his hands and wait to play peek a boo and laugh when it happens.

I see them hug each other. 

I hear them singing and talking to each other before bed. 

I see the people at our church embrace them and talk to them like people.

I hear "uh oh" as they drop their cups for the millionth time and even though it is the MILLIONTH time it is still so freaking adorable. 

They call me "ma". And kiss me 

And my heart is filled.

And all that other self pity tired crap goes away.

Because this is true love. 

And it is worth it.

And someday I will sleep again. I will be able to be amazing like my family and babysit for my grandchildren so they can get a break. 

I guess really what I am trying to say is....don't cling to advice....take it but don't hope it is the answer.....except for maybe this because it is so true:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

"How do you do it?"

This is the question I am most frequently asked.

I hate it. 

We have 14 (almost 15 month old twins).

My husband and I are both teachers.

I teach theatre.

He teaches third grade.

We have siblings. 

We are the youth/children's ministry directors at our church. 

We cloth diaper.

We shower every day.

We still love each other and don't usually fight. 

People think we are super human.

We are not. 

We are human.

How do we do it?

I don't know.

I guess time management is the answer.

We don't exercise enough.

We eat frozen pizza too often.

We take naps that last 3 hours when we are lucky.

We aren't super human,

We love.

We love God.

We love our boys.

We love each other.

We love our students.

We love our dog. 

We love art.

We love Thai food, Mexican food, wine

AND GIN.

We do the best we can.

We try to remember our love in everything we do. 

This is how we can function on little sleep and little money.

We have piles of dishes.

We have never ending laundry. 

We never sleep enough.

We can feed our sons.

We love.

We have never ending laundry. 

Our dog craps in the hall.

We avoid the post office. 

We wait to fix our water heater, 

We are avoiding our thesis/dissertation but are applying for new degree programs.

We love. 

God provides.

We laugh. Every day. 

That is how we do it. Laughter and love get us through.

We pray.

We share God's love. 

We PRAY.

We laugh.

That is how we do it. 

Even if we are barely holding it together. 

"And my God will fully satisfy every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19

14 Things I Have Learned in 14 Months

I am a terrible blogger. I always want to start one and be awesome like 

Sara  or Sylvia  but I will get there. 

The boys are now 14 months old. I am not an expert by ANY means but have several  first pregnant friends/family members and want to share what I can....

so I present: 14 things I have learned in 14 months of being a mom:

1. You WILL SLEEP AGAIN

It may not be until 11 months, or 4 years old or until they are teenagers but sometimes they will sleep through the night and it.is.glorious. You may only sleep when you take 45 high schoolers to GA Thespian Conference or in short naps but there will be sleep. Hold on. 

2. It takes a village (literally)

You do not know what the heck you are doing. Don't be prideful about it. Ask your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, step mother, other mommy friends or Google it. It is okay to ask for help. Even if help is asking your superstar husband to comb you hair in the hospital. Just because you gave birth doesn't mean you have to continue to be superwoman. This is a HARD job. You cannot do it alone. 

3. Find a Church.

(related to it taking a village) 

Or a commune or a coffee house- somewhere where your children will be raised and nurtured in love and in a place where they will be taught values. We both went "astray" so to speak in college but having kids makes you change your train of thought. Every Sunday I look around and thank God that we are raising our sons in such a wonderful place with people that will pray for them, lift them up when they need it and be understanding. Find people who are going to be an extended family for them.  Make sure they are good people. People who will cheer when they start to try walking and notice that they have a new tooth or new shoes. It is invaluable. 

4. A good diaper bag is worth it.

I've had 4. I finally settled on Lily Jade. Was it expensive? Hells YEAH! But worth.every.penny. And I am a teacher. I also liked my Skip Hop Duo bags. 

We used the Daddy Diaper Bag for a while but I wanted something cute that would last me well into toddler/middle school world. Lily Jade is stylish and super organized...and just freaking adorable!

5. Date your spouse.

Hello! Hi! Remember that guy before he was dad? DATE HIM. He is sexier, funnier, more intelligent than ever and he is SO in love with you. And you love him so much more that he is the father of your children. TALK to him. Date him. Tell him you love him. If you are lucky like we are you will have people beating down the doors to babysit. TAKE ADVANTAGE. Date nights can also be sitting in the living room watching Shonda Rhimes and talking about how much you love your kids (while drinking wine or gin of course)

 ENJOY IT.

6. Invest in more Cloud Storage.

Who uses cameras? If you don't want a mega iPhone (or whatever)....suck it up and pay the whatever a year.  You will take pictures and videos all the time. Dropbox and GoogleDrive are amazing too! 

7. Breastfeeding is beautiful  is difficult SUCKS. 

It is not easy. It is not fun. I never liked it. I did it for 10 months of my twins life. I mainly pumped. Fletcher never nursed. I tried and failed. He hated it. I had an oversupply and the according to the La Leche League "Breastfeeding from an over supply is like trying to drink water from a fire hose on full force" (basically what their book says). Ok. Great. Tell a first time mom that she is basically torturing her son when he tried to nurse. ALL of their solutions are basically to sit their all day and either pump or let your baby nurse. I have twins. Not possible. I remember the lactation consultant in the hospital saying if she had a baby resisting as much as Fletcher she would probably give him a bottle too. So there we were. I never liked it. I did it because it was what was best for my babies. Sure I loved the snuggle time with the babies but I got the same snuggle when I bottle fed them. And they are both healthy. If we have more kids will I breastfeed? Probably but I at least know now that it isn't this magical beautiful thing I had thought up in my head. It may be for you but it wasn't for me.

8. Enjoy the silence.

In the first few months when those suckers are sleeping FOREVER....LIVE IT UP. Meditate- read. Enjoy it. Drink it in. Soon they will be mobile and talking and you can only think on your 45 minute commute to work. Or SLEEP. Sleep. and enjoy the silence

9. Invest in a NEW WASHER AND DRYER 

(and TV)

We got our tax return and UPGRADED when I was pregnant. We do cloth diapers so it was important but also...you do a lot of baby laundry regardless. We had my stepdad's washer and dryer from the military and were OLD. We knew our laundry loads would grow exponentially just with two baby's daily laundry and doing cloth diapers.

 exhibit A of daily baby mess. 

10. When in the hospital- DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD NURSE. 

I still pray for and think of Vicki. She was so helpful in the early days. Made me feel good, snuck us extra pacifiers, nose suckers and formula when breastfeeding wasn't working. She also helped delay our exit because we were scared to go home. I need to get off my lacy butt and take her a present. Nurses are angels. Thank yours.

11. Also in the hospital- TRUST THE DOCTORS.

I know people have horror stories. I was blessed with great doctors but TRUST THEM. Hopefully you've been seeing them your whole pregnancy and if you don't trust them FIND A NEW ONE.  If you don't feel like they are respecting your beliefs- FIND A NEW ONE. I love Heritage OBGYN (where I go) and they were great for me. Some people don't like them. My doctors led me down the path safest for me and for my babies. 

12. Find a good pediatrician. 

We go to an office that has two locations. Our first appointment was terrible. There we were with our two day old baby (Fletcher)- I didn't have a pump at home and was having issues nursing. Finley was still in the hospital and our appointment time was near his 12:00 feeding so I figured I would pump at the hospital and then feed the twins together. We waited ONE HOUR past our appointment time, missed Finley's feeding and then the doctor just talked to me about how I could improve breastfeeding which wasn't helping my stress over that. I have never seen Brandon so steamed. When we go to the hospital we had to make Finley's discharge appointment and decided to give the practice another shot but at a different location. We found Dr. Bailey who is the BOMB.COM. He is no nonsense and gives us his real opinion and I am so thankful for him. 

13. Kiss your babies and tell them you love them every day (and husband/partner).

This is easy but you never know when life will take it away. Don't let the stress take it out of you. Cherish it.

14. Don't Blink.

They will graduate High School tomorrow.