Dear Restaurant,
I have worked in you. I have been a hostess/waitress. I understand the logistics of seating sections and fairness blah blah blah. I get it.
But I have twin toddlers.
SO.... when we come to you in our distressed mode I would like a little common courtesy and decency. I promise you I will tip you 30%. I know we are a nightmare. I have planned for this dinner extensively. I have toys they have never seen, snacks up my butt and sippy cups full of drinks and my phone loaded with apps to try and keep them appeased. But for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THE WORLD can you please do these few little things
1. DO NOT SIT US IN A SMALL ROOM WITH OLDER COUPLES (I am looking at you Fudpuckers), SIT US IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM (seriously more people will be hit with toys and or food), OR SIT US CLOSE TO THE KITCHEN. All of these things are going to disturb all of your customers and waiters. Put us in the corner booth. Please. The mafia booth. Or if you have a party room put us there. I will pay the extra.
2. BRING US NAPKINS. All of them. I have baby wipes but they are not enough.
3. MEXICAN RESTAURANTS KEEP THE CHIPS COMING. Toddlers cannot breathe if they are not snacking. Other restaurants....give me all your bread and crackers and appetizers. I will pay. Please. They are insane and don't want their new toys or snacks I brought.
4. MAKE ME ORDER FOOD WHEN YOU TAKE OUR DRINK ORDERS. We cannot be here longer than 45 mins. After 45 minutes they will turn into Gremlins regardless of nap time, lunch eaten or sedatives given.
5. JUST BRING THE CHECK WHEN YOU BRING THE FOOD. Because at any minute I am going to need to GTFO ASAP because Finley has cut Fletcher with a knife or Fletcher has bitten Finley or I am having a nervous breakdown. I will tip you.
6. PUT IN A CHANGING TABLE! I have changed poopy diapers on too many floors to count. And I am not trying to take my boys to some five-star restaurant. Usually, we just want pizza or Mexican food.
7. PLEASE remember we are people. People who do not want to be stuck at home eating some frozen meal or forced to cook while toddlers attack us like raptors. We know we are the worst. We feel guilt. But we also want to see the outside world. When the zombie apocalypse comes we will be stuck at home enough.
8. KEEP THE MARGARITAS/ALCOHOL coming. I will sober up when I smell the wrath of the quesadilla/beans in 15 minutes. But I want to be a college student for .25 seconds.
9. KNOW THAT I APPRECIATE YOU. I know when you see our table with two highchairs you want to clock out for an extended smoke break/potty break/just leave because you don't want to deal with it. I will vacuum and sweep if you bring me the tools.
10. BE PATIENT. They are little people who are a roller coaster of emotions. They are learning how to survive in the world. The restaurant is a new and exciting but scary place for them. You can make it our break it. Regardless I will tip you well because I know we are a nightmare. But if you slip me some extra bread- I will slip you an extra 5% (including my 2 margaritas).
XOXO
Me
(and parents of toddlers everywhere)
