Tuesday, September 8, 2015

What's God got to do with it?

"There is room, there is room there is room
at the table....at the table....
there is room....at the table"

This was the song at the Montreat Youth conference the year I attended. Myself and many other Presbyterian youth from all over gathered at a the beautiful campus of Montreat and explored this theme. I can't remember what summer it was. Or if I went to Montreat more than once but I know it defined for me my high school faith journey. There was room at the table for everyone. This was what I believed. In my small group I confirmed this telling my own story (bad babysitter stuff) and telling me that "God will heal all your wounds and will make you whole- he still loves you". In the setting of Montreat this was amazing. Making sandwiches and making large beds with all the other youth were also part of our daily fellowship. I also distinctly remember visiting a non denominational church and our leaders telling us to breathe in the experience.

Another summer we journeyed on a Mission Trip to Washington DC on a train and were basically Irish in the back and almost got kicked off for taking ice. This experience was amazing. I remember searching for a "Yes!" shirt with V.Rey because we were obsessed with "Sisterhood of the traveling pants". These Presbytery events were my lifeblood. A family beyond my theatre family that saved me.

My youth group held a grand total of two. My BFF V.Rey and I represented the First Presbyterian Church of Cleveland GA. And we loved it. We went to all the Presbytery events and even joined the Youth Council and climbed the ranks to being co-moderators (basically co presidents) my senior year. I loved it. I was passionate about God and I loved the different people I met in the Presbytery- I mean we had a pastor named Buddha, a man who wore kilts and we called "goat man" and we had a communist with IBS. It was amazing world of diversity and healthy discussions and love of faith.

Then someone tried to start a GSA at my high school and God became intrinsically and inexplicably linked to hate. I remember hearing a certain church was coming to our town and I remember V.Rey and I calling them on speaker and trying to give them a piece of our (mainly V.Rey's) mind. They were the most close minded Christians I had ever met. I felt like my whole town was going crazy over some students who were trying to create a place of love and support. I remember my drama teacher telling me I needed to take a stand with those students but I was so so afraid. So I didn't until the storm blew over but my world of faith was rocked.

Fast forward to college....I attended a small women's college in Gainesville (looking at YOU BRENAU). And I entered a pageant where I had to have a platform. I chose equal rights for LGBT individuals because of my high school experience. I remember people saying "I didn't know she was a lesbian" and feeling like an outcast from the other Christians at the school. People I really connected with and loved and cared about were atheists or agnostics and I felt like that may be where I belonged.
A place that loved people no matter what which Christians had proven to me that they did not do.

I abandoned the church with glee.
I am spiritual but not religious.
All of that bunk we buy into while we are "finding ourselves".
So I didn't pray for years. I just loved people.
But something was missing.

So I started singing at my boyfriend's (now husband's) church job.  Because every choir needs more sassy altos.
And it made it better and worse.
One pastor vibed with me.
The other did not.
I would make eye contact with Brandon during some sermons and have to remember to bite my tongue. I would leave every Sunday feeling like "Why don't these people get it- this is why I am not a Christian anymore".

Once a week.

Then we got engaged....and I knew we had to find a church. I felt it.
There was a small Presbyterian church near where we lived that accepted all people and preached loved. We felt like that would be our church home. We reached out and were granted marriage counseling and to be married there.
WE LOVE THE PASTOR.
He helped us prepare for the stakes of marriage and our wedding was everything it needed to be (including my high school pastor) and we felt like maybe that could be our home.
But we visited and it was not right.
Bob was perfect but the members were not what we expected.
I was turned off again.
We would see the man that married us and I would feel guilty and he would say
"I don't do guilt- you have to come back when it is right for you".

And I would feel guilty and crawl into a hole.
Rinse and repeat. Year after year.
Until...
until....
I got pregnant with twins.

Nothing to make you think about life but children.
We were honored to be the Godparents of one of the most amazing little boys on earth.
And his baptism was the Easter I was pregnant at a gorgeous little Episcopal Church
(God is not subtle in his signs- RESURRECTION).
So we went to the service.
And even though I had to leave because I thought I might heat stroke.....
I felt at home.
The service was just what I needed.
Later I Googled Episcopalians and found out we were on the same page.
Brandon and I said "That could be our home".
But pregnancy takes a toll.
And twin newborns do even more.
So we waited until we felt like we had a handle on parenting (after spring break)...
we decided "April 20th we will start attending".
The Monday (April 14th) of that week Fr. Scott Kidd posted a message about needing a youth leader.

God was saying "go forth".
So I did.
I messaged Scott.
We started attending and earnestly wanted to be a part of the church regardless of whether we became the youth leaders or not.
We baptized our boys.
We were confirmed.
We found our tribe.
God led us there.
Our marriage is better.
Our family is better.
My life is better.

That is what God has to do with it.
Reaching his hand in and leading you to people who believe the same way and love the same way as you.
And that is enough.
HE is enough.
Amen